How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People

When driving slowly down hills in residential areas, always remember to shout “NO BRAKES!” out of the car window

Get on a bus on a hot day and ask the driver if he’s got any Callippos

When the automated voice announces your tube stop, say “right, this is me” loudly to other passengers before leaving the carriage with an equally matter-of-fact “thank-you, driver”

Hide in someone’s car boot for a medium length journey

Shout camply “I’m the king of the road!” at everyone you pass in your car

Give up your standing place on the tube

Carry around a whiteboard marker and wiping cloth with you when you travel on the tube to edit Travel Update notice boards. You can offer more creative and understandable reasons for delays and line suspensions than the usual batch of signal failures and staff shortages. E.g. “No Service on the Bakerloo line North of Stonebridge Park today due to….[obvious change in handwriting] dinosaurs once again walking the earth”.

Tell people that the button must be pressed once for each person who intends to cross at the pelican crossing so it knows how long to beep for.

Tell people that the numbers on the buttons inside a lift tell it how many passengers there are, so it knows how hard to pull. So if there are three passengers, you press number 3, etc.

Pay people to provide you with above-board information. Eg ask someone for directions then, as you walk off, furtively press a fiver into their hand. Or walk into a shop and ask a sales assistant if they sell a certain thing, all the while letting them see a wad of notes in your inside pocket.