How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People

Take calls with a weary note in your voice, saying “Hello telephone, who are you pretending to be this time?”

Phone to book a table in a restaurant and mention discreetly that you’re intending to propose marriage during the meal

Say your mobile phone number when you answer it

Pretend that you’re carrying out background Google searches while on the phone by laboriously spelling out key phrases and then interjecting random facts into the conversation

Mutter the words “you cock” at the end of every telephone conversation just after you’ve said goodbye