How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People

Stroll around Underground platforms looking at the adverts as if you’re in an art gallery

Ask commuters at Euston station where you can find the champagne bar

When the automated voice announces your tube stop, say “right, this is me” loudly to other passengers before leaving the carriage with an equally matter-of-fact “thank-you, driver”

Refer to wages lost due to flu as the “congestion charge”

Put your Oyster card in a sandwich and scan that

Become Avid Merrion’s celebrity stalker

Give up your standing place on the tube

Erect another statue of Nelson on the fourth plinth

Call the London Eye the “London Eyesore”

Put a “London Nose” on the fourth plinth

Refer to all public clocks as “Big Bens”

Put Big Ben on the fourth plinth

Put your Oyster card in an oyster

Carry around a whiteboard marker and wiping cloth with you when you travel on the tube to edit Travel Update notice boards. You can offer more creative and understandable reasons for delays and line suspensions than the usual batch of signal failures and staff shortages. E.g. “No Service on the Bakerloo line North of Stonebridge Park today due to….[obvious change in handwriting] dinosaurs once again walking the earth”.